101 reasons

Why we can’t live together.

“Living together apart” seems to be a popular choice these days,  whether to maximise benefits payments or to maintain independence. In fact almost 30% of people are now living alone.

Of course no-one wants to be lonely, which is not good for your health but sometimes we need breathing space to do our own thing.

And I wonder how far apart you can actually be with text messaging, Skyping, not to mention tweeting and face-book!

So what are the reasons people can’t live together?

1. You’ve put books on the bookshelf!
2. You never notice hairs on the floor
3. Why do you need so many CDs?
4. You start clearing things away before I’ve finished cooking
5. I can’t stand the soaps – they all have the same plots and interchangeable actors
6. I can’t understand why you don’t like my Bulgarian gypsy music?
7. You hate my cat! – You hate my dog!
8. We’d need a bigger bed (and I like the one I’ve got)
9. You’ll be upgrading my computer next – You’ve upgraded my computer – what was wrong with WordPerfect? – Of course I won’t upgrade you
10. You move your lips when you read
11. You tell me what’s in my newspaper before I’ve read it
12. What do you mean you want sex more than once a month?
13. God, you’re not watching Top Gear on Dave again are you?
14. You never put my clothes away neatly when you’ve been wearing them! – You never put your own clothes away when you’ve been wearing them
15. Why would you want a joint bank account?
16. You never scrape the candle wax out of the bath
17. Diet coke on cornflakes is not a health food
18. I haven’t got your address in my sat nav
19. It was definitely your turn to pay!
20. Why would I fancy your best friend?
21. Yes it is a rat, but it’s a pet rat. – Your snake ate my pet rat
22. You drank nearly all my vodka and filled up the bottle with water – I was p****d. You’re lucky it was only water
23. You are always right. No, I just can’t remember the last time I was wrong – She’s Russian and she’s right – OK!
24. You’re still using that dating site
25. I’m not sure I can be that flexible?
26. You take my OK magazine and read it on the toilet…. this is not OK!
27. Who is that with you in the photograph? I thought you were on a business trip!
28. Why do your staff think I’m your book-keeper?
29. Why does your mother think I’m gay?
30. You said you’d never been married! – You said you’d never had kids!
31. I like it that you are so independent
32. My friends are real! – Do you really think so? Are you sure?
33. What’s wrong with texting in bed? – You’re confusing texting and sexting – again
34. SMS has nothing to do with sado-masochism or sex
35. You drink skinny decaff. What’s the point? – At least I drink coffee, not just tea with lemon
36. I thought a birthday card would remind you how old you are – I hate seeing you getting older each day
37. If I buy you flowers you think I must be feeling guilty – What’s wrong with a house plant? It will last longer than flowers.
38. It’s not just an electric guitar – it’s a modern design icon! – You’ll be telling me next it’s an investment
39. You keep using my “herbal” medication – Your Bob Marley accent is rubbish
40. Your real long-term relationship is with your laptop and a bottle of wine
41. What’s wrong with multi-tasking?
42. I’m worried about the kid’s inheritance – So how much did you say you had saved up?
43. I heard you say you were planning to ski – you hate cold weather – I said SKI-ing darling
44. You squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong end – At least I brush my teeth – So do I but the garlic lingers on
45. I’m sure you told me where she had her tattoo. How else would I know about it?
46. No? Well it must have been on Facebook! – She must not understand the privacy settings
47. Why do you have tomato ketchup with everything? – I can’t stand the smell of brown sauce
48. You know I want vinegar on my chips – not mayonnaise
49. You are always quoting Mae West at me – it’s not funny any more! – And you think W C Fields is funny?
50. I can’t believe you think I’m like that “Desperate Housewives” person! – Well at least she can cook!
51. You’d rather believe Google than me – Well I sold the encyclopaedias because you said you knew it all
52. Why do I have to go hungry when you’re on yet another diet? – Am I your mother?
53. You won’t get your dog “fixed” – You first, set an example
54. I wasn’t comparing you. I just said she looked nice – But you told her at least three times!
55. You’re always posing – Life’s too short not to pose
56. Which part of “I’m not the marrying kind” didn’t you understand? – Who said anything about getting married? I just want your babies
57. Let’s wait until you’ve done that personality profile so I can match our types
58. My therapist says it wouldn’t be advisable for me to live with anyone – And how do you feel about that?
59. I’m not looking for a father figure – So you think I’m too old for you? – Well you said I made you feel like a dirty old man – That wasn’t because of your age! – Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind it doesn’t matter!
60. You think more about your pigeons than me – At least they know their way home
61. You thought it was OK for the Americans to finish top of our group! – You felt sorry for the French team – cheating b*****ds
62. I thought you told me he was bringing back one of those Venezuelans?
63. You said you’d stop wearing the football strip when England went out
64. What’s more important, buying me a ring or going to Brazil in 4 years? – If you have to ask!
65. You’d rather believe your dreams than me. I’ve never met this person!
66. This is not a real relationship it’s a sleepover!
67. Just think of the money we could save
68. I’ve told you before: DVDs by genre and CDs by artist alphabetically!

Thanks to you all – let’s try some more